New Biblical Discovery

The JEDP theory seeks to understand the authorship of the Pentateuch in light of the Documentary Hypothesis. This view believes that the Pentateuch represents the conflation of four different sources rather than the work of primarily one author, traditionally Moses.  A recent archeological trove, revealed when fixing a water main brake underneath JC Penny’s at the Short Hills mall in New Jersey, has revealed a fifth author, who for now, we will refer to as “H”

The following is from H’s version of the Biblical creation narrative:

Genesis: Chapter One

26 And God said: 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.'

27 And the voices of the Seraphim arose and said unto God: “What if man dominion goeseth to his head and his ego become akin to the leviathans that dwell beneath the waters” And God said: “Good point”

28 And God created mosquitoes, chiggers and horse flies and all manner of beings that annoyeth and He caused them to swarm over the earth.  And He caused them to multiply and increase during the months of the summer when man was most likely to want to sit around the pool with his skin exposed serving as an attractive target.

29 And the Seraphim said: “Not bad.  “But will man see the power of the almighty in small insects even though they create raised welts and cause men to sratcheth thus causing unsightly scabeths.” And God said: “Good Point”. 

30. And God created piranha, tarantulas, scorpions, black widow spiders and the Black Mamba snake, the fastest land snake in the world, capable of reaching speeds of up to 20km/h that can strike up to 12 times in a row and whose bite is capable of killing anywhere from 10-25 adults.

31. And the Seraphim said: “Not bad.” “But how can serpents truly convey the awesome and terrible power of the Almighty who rules the heavens and the earth.”  “How can we be sure that man will remain low and meek for all eternity?” And God said: “Good point.”

32. And God created tornadoes, cyclones, hurricanes and ice storms to blanket trade routes and cause caravans to jackknife thus causing massive pileups that would delay the delivery of dates, almonds, silks, frankincense and myrrh.

33. And the Seraphim said: “Not bad.” “But will man see the true power of God in wind, snow and ice, and will he not take salt from the Dead Sea to cover the trade routes and forge iron to make snow shovels?”  And God said: “Good point”.

34.   And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the place with flesh instead thereof.

35. And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.

36. And the Seraphim chuckled and had a drink.

Midrash

Why does the Torah not illuminate the meaning of “'Let us make man in our image”? So as not to embarrass God; as Rabbi Judah the Discreet commented: “Have you seen Rabbi Yitzhak’s nose?” 

In the days of creation of the world, God created a race of beings with the mind of man, the speed of the cheetah and the thick skins of the rhinoceros.  During the days of Noah, as each creature boarded the ark by twos, these beings demanded an upgraded from a cabin with ocean view to one with a balcony.  As none were available they choose instead to wait to the next ark. 

Rabbis Mehachem and Shlomo were walking in the woods when confronted by a 600 pound mountain lion.  Rabbi Menachem approached the lion: "Surely God's creations will not harm those who study His commandments.”  With this the lion leaped forward and devoured him.  Rabbi Shlomo returned to the Bet Midrash and greatly increased his devotion to understanding the commandments.  Three weeks later he too was devoured by a mountain lion.