As Millennials you came to campus as sophisticated young men and women filled with entrepreneurial spirit and adorned with multiple facets of your personality. In earlier days, we would have labeled these unique characteristics schizophrenia, placed you on large dosages of Haldol and recommended several months of inpatient treatment. As you graduate, these great gifts will help you perfect my grande double chai latte macchiato with the exact proportion of 2% milk and enable America to produce a new generation of perfectly grilled cheeseburgers and expertly prepared fries.
A new joint study by the Department of Labor and the Environmental Protection Agency has revealed that there are now fewer jobs for graduates than there are Northern Spotted Owls. Thus, as you move back into your parents’ houses, remind them that Hillel was an important part of your $250,000 college education and that their gift of double chai enables one student to attend one Shabbat dinner or covers .01% of the monthly heating and air conditioning bill in the new 450,000 square foot Sol and Esther Greenberg Center for Jewish Life in the Leonard and Bunny Feinstein Hillel Building, on the Irving and Sara Kaplowitz Campus. We still have exciting naming opportunities for elevators, the indoor water park, the second floor men’s room and the sump pump.
In a moment you will be called up to receive your diploma along with the notice that first payment of your student loan is due in 20 minutes. As you leave these hallowed halls, the legacy of your parents, mentors and teachers awaits you: Despoiled oceans, polluted air, runaway nuclear reactors, trillions of dollars in national debt that your great grandchildren will be paying off till their 78th birthday and global warming that is rapidly turning the earth into an Easy Bake Oven
As you think back on your 4 -9 years as an undergraduate remember that none other than Albert Einstein said that “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” That same brilliant thinker also said that: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
Our generation, those who have preceded you, have elevated Einstein’s words to new heights. We challenge you to match our level of self-indulgent narcissism; our callous disregard for the environment; our wanton destruction of our planet; and our seemingly infinite cruelty to those who are not us or exactly like us.
We have placed our great confidence in you; we have entrusted you with this great nation and this great earth, or whatever is left of it. “May the force be with you.” “Live long and prosper. “Gay g’zint”. We’ll be on an extended Alaskan cruise watching the glaciers melt and using up whatever is left of Social Security.
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