Are We Clear?

Clearly, (that word will come back to haunt us in a moment) among the chief joys of life in the fifties (my fifties, not those of “Ozzy and Harriet”) is the colonoscopy.

I arrived at the outpatient surgical center having subsisted on lime Jell-O and diet Sprite for the last 36 hours. Further, having drained the requisite 3 ounces of “Fleet® Phospho-soda® EZ-Prep™ Bowel Cleansing System” I had spent the better part of the previous 10 hours running to the bathroom and, not to be overly graphic, running in the bathroom. I was not at my patient and magnanimous best.

The receptionist glanced at me with some combination of disinterest and condescension and could not have been curter:
“Did you fill out the paper work we sent you?”
I had not. And, with a cold, condescending look, she handed me the multitude of documents; medical history questions (heart murmurs, medicines, mental disorders?) , release forms clearing (that word again) the physician of any liability should he puncture the lining of my large intestine, and insurance documents all attached to the requisite clip board along with the click ball point pen advertising another in a series of pharmaceutical wonders. Dutifully, I completed them to the best of my limited capability.

I had not completed my charge adequately.

With a voice dripping with officious disdain, the receptionist calls me to the window, and to the mat.
“Mr. Raphael, you did not complete the questionnaire”
By now, with my patience level dramatically shortened by the tribulations of the last days and I am prepared to do verbal battle.
“What parts?”
“What bowel cleansing regimen did the physician prescribe?”
“Fleet® Phospho-soda® EZ-Prep™ Bowel Cleansing System”
When did you last have anything to eat or drink?
“Between 5:00 am and 6:00 am I had 24 ounces of clear liquid”
“Are you clear?”
Now, I know what she is asking but, to me it (1) seems intrusive coming from someone with a clipboard and a high school education and (2) is vague enough for me to be mean-spirited and passive aggressive.
Realizing that this clerk would, most likely, not recognize get “A Few Good Men” reference if I responded “crystal”, I simply responded: “Clear about what?”

Now she is fumbling for the phrasing required. I excuse myself and head to the bathroom.

Clearly, the last laugh was on me.