Recently a trove of ancient Hebraic documents was found in Afghanistan. The following was among them: Tractate Buba Meitza: Laws for Drinking Single Malt During Kiddush
1. You shall not imbibe blended Scotch during Kiddush as it is an abomination.
2. You` shall not imbibe Scotch from a paper cup as it too is an abomination.
3. Twelve years shall Scotch be aged lest it taste cleave to your tongue in a wholly unpleasant manner not unlike Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws.
4. He who drinks Scotch before the rabbi shall be called to do Hagbai for 40 consecutive weeks or until he is no longer capable of lifting a shot glass without significant nerve damage.
5. He who does not wash is glass after drinking Scotch is alike a heifer who shares his cud with others. His reward shall be a large and painful cold sore on his upper lip.
6. If you are drinking Scotch and cannot recall whether you have had one glass or two chances are you’ve had enough.
7. Rabbi Aburia used to say: “It is better to drink 15 year old Scotch with 12 friends than 12 year old Scotch with 15 friends. He who drinks 10 year old Scotch generally drinks alone.”
8. If you are immersed in the ritual bath and realize that the time has come for the drinking of single malt it is permissible to exit the bath. However, it is incumbent on you to don raiments lest your affiliation with the Jewish people become pronounced.
9. Until when may one drink single malt on Shabbat? Rabbi Pinchas states: “Until the kiddush egg salad fully consumed.” Rabbi Elihu the Flatulent replied: “Until the chulent of the siudah shelishi is fully expunged from the system.” Until his internment in the Betty Ford Clinic, Rabbi Chananaya would exclaim: “Until the recitation of Sheer Shel Yom on Thursday”.
10. If you are drinking Scotch and the messiah comes it is permissible to complete your drink before welcoming him. Given the circumstances, however, you may want to consider offering him a taste.
11. Rabbi Yechiel of Smirna and Rabbi Elchanan the Parsimonious were drinking Scotch during Kiddush. Rabbi Yechiel commented: “Verily, this Scotch has a palate that is less than fully pleasing. From whence it came?” Rabbi Elchanan replied: “It is the Kirkland Brand acquired while the rebbinsin was purchasing salmon at Costco”. With this, Rabbi Yechiel brought his Tikun down on Rabbi Yechiel’s head with great force causing an odd excretion to emit from his ear.
